ZIAD IN GAZA

 I want to use the toilet. I go outside, pass by the many bodies sleeping on mattresses, trying to make the least noise possible. I open the toilet door and I hear some rattling. It is complete darkness, so I turn on the flashlight I had, and see a mouse moving.

I walk backwards and close the door. For the past four months, I have always done my best to pass through the hallway without looking around, to respect the privacy of the people. For the first time, I look around, trying to locate where Ahmad is sleeping.

Gaza diary part 44: ‘The angel of death is roaming the skies, nonstop’

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Most people have their faces under their blankets. It is very cold these days. I find Ahmad and he turned his face towards me.

“Ahmad, wake up.” I whisper.

“I am awake, don’t worry. Is something wrong?”

“There is a mouse in the toilet.”

“OK. Just keep the door closed and someone will deal with it the first thing next morning.”

I want to yell that I need to use the toilet, and I would never do it with a mouse inside. But I did not want to disturb people. So, I go back to the room and sit on the couch, covering myself with my blanket and wearing all the clothes I have including my jacket. I keep thinking of all the decisions “I took” that I never wanted to.

I never wanted to leave my apartment, yet I made the decision to leave.

I never wanted to stop taking my medicine regularly, yet I am doing so.

I never wanted to wear the things I am wearing now for five days in a row; to eat what I am eating now; to sleep on a couch; to walk for hours to find basic things. But I made the decision to do all of these things.

I never wanted to let Manara go, but I made the decision to do so.

I did not want to go back to the room without having to use the toilet, but I went back.

I really want to have a simple, quiet life in which I am in control of the basic things related to myself. Right now, all I need, desperately, is the freedom to use the toilet.